I have gone through hell and hit the bottom. Times have been gloomy and I have felt crappy.
That is how a story by a skilful writer could start like when he wants to quickly capture his readers, draw them into the plot and, ideally, arouse some feelings for the main hero. The author would then probably go on with the narrative with the emphasis on deepening the readers’ emotions.
Frankly, that is my own opinion on how a seasoned author could write like. I do not consider myself to be such a writer at the moment. What is more, it suits me better to share my experience in the way in which I personally understand it, or, to say it better, how I feel it. It is not my goal to stylize my story into a readable plot. My goal is to share my life the way I perceive it subjectively.
I have struggled on my journey, and not only in the physical way. However, I have bounced back and I am feeling my own self being back on track again. I am feeling all the beauty and uniqueness of life again, and I am able to experience it fully. Once more, I am in harmony. I am leaving the alluring dark thoughts and feelings behind. It was just another experience that moved me forward.
Earlier, I wrote about the fact that my life experience comes in waves. To be honest, I wrote it so naturally that I was not truly able to feel the depth of the message myself. It was Vieri Cammelli, an Italian traveller, whom I met on the Greek Island of Amorgos, who made me aware of it. Actually, I read about my own thought on his blog in which he was describing our meeting. You can read it HERE . I would like to thank him for his nudge to review my thoughts again. Not only that I really did think about it once more, but, finally, I was able to experience it again, not only as the main actor but also as an observer.
So, what have I observed on this waving made of adventures and experiences? Well… I can probably leave out the fact that a wave is composed of the lowest point and on the opposite side of its top counterpart. I feel it is much more interesting to describe my individual impressions that I experience during one wave cycle.
But where to start? Ha, I will start somewhere in the middle, where I often realize the reality of what is currently happening. It is a moment when I can say neither: ‘I feel good,’ nor ‘it makes me sick.’ It is a moment when I feel somehow disconnected from what is happening around me. This feeling is not fully understandable, but no less intense. It is the moment when the excitement from everything that clicked together like a puzzle is wearing off – when was enough just to say a wish and everything around happened faster than I could even imagine. It is the calm before the storm. It is the time for sorting out my mind and life experiences.
It is always just a matter of time before the wave of experience finds its lowest point. However, the time is only a question of how much I pay the attention to it. So, it all depends on myself when I get to this point. The most beautiful thing on this lowest point is that it always brings a test. It may seem like the life tests me on how much I understood its lessons and how much experience I gained. I have observed that the period after that corresponds exactly with my ability to prove myself (to myself) during those tests. It is also the period when I can express wishes and everything around me happens so that I get a chance to fulfil the particular wish.
During the way up, the way full of teachers, I can feel everything around me very intensively. It is, literally, the way of fulfilment, fruition and experience. I have observed that this period often seems as if it could be never-ending. The feeling that everything should last forever and it appears that anything can be accomplished. It is similar to falling in love, when you can feel it down to your bones that this moment will never end. Those times are great fun for me. Since I know that I am on a wave of experience, I do not need it to go even higher. That is because the moment I acknowledge that I am at the top, that I have gained what I needed, everything turns. Almost immediately. It is similar to an evening after a great day when you say you are happy because everything went great, and the next morning you kick your toe, spill the coffee, miss the bus, and forget about a meeting. This is how it works to me.
Thanks to this understanding of my life-waving I have learned not to try to raise the happiness and harmony higher than what I am ready for. It is tempting to try to stay on this top plane as long as possible, however, it is only the top half of the wave and the higher I push it the lower it pulls me down to verify how much I understood. For me it is quite amusing to say consciously: ‘that is great, that is what I want, and I am on the top.’ It is amusing for me because I already know that this will end the climbing and I will have to set on the path of docking past experiences.
It is beautiful to live with the knowledge that after each descent there is a way up waiting for me. As well as to know that my life will try me out on such a level which I wanted to reach myself.
I wish everyone to find their own rhythm, and to always know at what point on the wave they are.